I go to the doctor's office a lot...
Of all the things that can happen at the doctor's office... The thing that gives me the most anxiety is the scale.
The. Fucking. Scale.
There are things WAY more invasive and important than the scale that happen at the doctor's office (especially the gastroenterologist!) ... Yet it's that damn scale that gets me. Every time.
Why, you ask??
Because I'm afraid it will say I weigh more than 100 pounds.
Ridiculous... Hell yes! But I'm totally serious!
Who's fault is that?? Mine? Or
Society's?? You tell me. I suppose it doesn't really matter.
I was 100.6... Which rounding up is closer to 101 than 100... Which is closer to depression than sanity.
I was looking at the disc of my CT scan images... Instead of using the educated part of my brain to think wow, there's two perfectly healthy kidneys, and there's a bunch of intestines that are so much happier now than they were a couple years ago.... The slightly broke down part of my brain immediately thinks, oh my goodness the radiologist must have thought my thighs were so fat when he interpreted these images!
I know... Ridiculous!
Now I realize that the radiologist isn't paid to judge the amount of fat on my thighs, he had more important things to worry about! Note only that, but my thighs aren't really fat... And even if they were, who the hell cares? Me apparently!
I don't judge anyone else like this... I never walk down the street and think wow, that girl is chunky...or she shouldn't be wearing that. Instead I think wow, she is gorgeous...or look at her rocking that dress! I wish I had her confidence. So why do I do it to myself??
At first I thought the way to deal with these thoughts was to try not to think them. But I realized that just isn't going to work. The thoughts are going to come... So instead I work on letting them go just as fast as they came. And I am getting so good at that!
Just because the thought happens doesn't mean I have to let the feelings happen. I let the thoughts come, realize that they are just that... Thoughts. I process the thoughts myself and try to find a silver lining from what I think is a big dark cloud. If I can't seem to shake the thought I ask somebody else's opinion.
So yes I become the girl you all hate who asks if she is fat (even though we all know she really isn't) But don't hate on me for it... I really need the answer! I don't do it to annoy you, I do it to keep myself from crossing over the white line into the ditch!
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